Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Did a trash talking tree write this?