[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Whoa… oh I see lol
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.