what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.