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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it