Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
where the womens at?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably