My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
my retirement plan is braless
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
everyone’s a critic
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.