They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Love is in the air fryer.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Tear gas is the saddest gas.