People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
You Might Also Like
Twitter remains undefeated
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
6. me as a lawyer
😲 WTF? 😆
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Ken is short for chicken
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I think they could have phrased this better
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one