It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I have many caverns
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?