If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
This could’ve been an email.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*wins $1000*
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Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.