People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
⛄️
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.