Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
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This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.