I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]