OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
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There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.