If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda