Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Rich People Podcasts are wild.