Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.