Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters