My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
You Might Also Like
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Just say no
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
5 ways to appear taller
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]