the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap