I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”