In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things