*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Thoughts
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
fired