Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
These work great until they don’t.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.