witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
This is my pinned tweet
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.