i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Flock of bats
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.