“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what