Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
channeling her this year
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Goodnight 🐶
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
it be like that