When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
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Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
😎 🍻
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot