I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.