Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
this is what they would have looked like, though
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”