Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”