Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
😅😅😅