[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Spell check is for lasers.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video