For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
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Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“No way.” -Jose
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?