Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day