Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.