Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
You Might Also Like
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.