Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
You Might Also Like
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
one of
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first