okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”