Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
You Might Also Like
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.