Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
You Might Also Like
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces