The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.