*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
giddy up Office Depot
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Cardio Made Easy
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”