Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
oh my gosh!!
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.