I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
my name if I was in the mob
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries