If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.