[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
greetings!
at ease…shoulder.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.