Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.