Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested